Do I just make it more than it is or is it a lot, I don’t know. The paradox of being open but very private is a challenge. I always feel like I am hiding things from my friends and family, but then wouldn’t details and specifics about life just bore them. My moodswings and depression may be explained but at what cost.
Sometimes I wish that I just lay my cards on the table for all to see. I recall, AK, one of my good pals in Iowa saying, “Syed you say you are an open book, that’s true, but it’s a coded, dictionary..even if we break the code. We won’t find anything unless we know exactly what we are looking for”
What can I do, sometimes secrets are not there to protect yourself, but to protect others that you care about.
As I hear people say “Oh you have not come by in a long time” I wish I can tell them what my life has been for the last 4-5 years, how personal life was placed on hold, the trials and challenges. But what is the net result, they get off my back but then a whole new issue arises. I just blame work, which is partially true.
Decisions Decisions Decisions…so critical, with such a huge impact, can not be taken so easily. clarity may help, but there is not clarity. The interesting bit is that there is no wrong path, and paths may not be mutually exclusive, but may be.
The new twists are amazing, I can not imagine that SK could be so caring, very very very touching, and same goes for AB, I don’t know I could have so easily support the decision SK made. There are no words to describe the gratitude I feel towards them.
I have pushed people away in the last few years, so fiercely fighting for meaning and so fiercely protecting others that I did not realize the toll it has taken on me!